Sunday Runday… or not.

Arg.

Things have been getting in the way of my running lately.  Oh yes, you read that right.  I still run/am still running even though I haven’t mentioned anything about it in, like, forever.

The things that get in the way are… the weather, fear, tiredness, fear, not wanting to, fear.  Did I mention fear?

As much as I kinda sorta view running as my saviour, there are many scary things that go along with being a runner.  Like dogs.  I am afraid of dogs.  It took me a long time to figure this out but as a runner who runs in the country past farms with dogs that are generally not tied (ours never is)… I’m afraid of dogs.  I feel very vulnerable out on the road, like if one came out at me, I have nothing to defend myself with.  Since this has happened to me before, my fear of dogs deters me. A lot.

I am also afraid of being slow and/or looking silly.  This is less simple to explain and rationalize.  Who cares if I average an 11 minute mile… or more? The other day, I did 4 miles in under 40 minutes.  I don’t know where or how that speed came out of me, but it came from somewhere because there it was, on my tracker: 4.02 miles, 39:39.  Astounding.
But then my next run – earlier on in the day, much MUCH hotter out – I did 3.85 miles in 42:57.  Yuck.  Like, double triple quadruple yuck. 
I hate being a slow runner but I’m not sure who I’m trying to impress (or beat).  It is just me and the road (and maybe a few dogs).  But being close to the end of my race training is really throwing me for a loop in the fear factory.  It is less than a month out from race day and I have yet to break 9 miles.  I had a good 3 weeks where I didn’t run AT ALL.  And then when I started back at it, I was doing low mileage only, and still am. Like 4.5 miles has been the most I’ve run since getting back at it 2 weeks ago.

I have even thought of not going.

Yikes.

I’m hoping to get over most of these fears eventually.  I really hope doing this half marathon next month will help with that.  Because I just want to finish it.  I don’t care if I’m slow or fast or dead last.  I just gotta finish. And I suppose that in order to do that, I need to just keep running.   So I will.  I might not love it every time but I must keep running.

Because not running is just… not an option.


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