Things have been getting in the way of my running lately. Oh yes, you read that right. I still run/am still running even though I haven’t mentioned anything about it in, like, forever.
The things that get in the way are… the weather, fear, tiredness, fear, not wanting to, fear. Did I mention fear?
As much as I kinda sorta view running as my saviour, there are many scary things that go along with being a runner. Like dogs. I am afraid of dogs. It took me a long time to figure this out but as a runner who runs in the country past farms with dogs that are generally not tied (ours never is)… I’m afraid of dogs. I feel very vulnerable out on the road, like if one came out at me, I have nothing to defend myself with. Since this has happened to me before, my fear of dogs deters me. A lot.
I am also afraid of being slow and/or looking silly. This is less simple to explain and rationalize. Who cares if I average an 11 minute mile… or more? The other day, I did 4 miles in under 40 minutes. I don’t know where or how that speed came out of me, but it came from somewhere because there it was, on my tracker: 4.02 miles, 39:39. Astounding.
But then my next run – earlier on in the day, much MUCH hotter out – I did 3.85 miles in 42:57. Yuck. Like, double triple quadruple yuck.
I hate being a slow runner but I’m not sure who I’m trying to impress (or beat). It is just me and the road (and maybe a few dogs). But being close to the end of my race training is really throwing me for a loop in the fear factory. It is less than a month out from race day and I have yet to break 9 miles. I had a good 3 weeks where I didn’t run AT ALL. And then when I started back at it, I was doing low mileage only, and still am. Like 4.5 miles has been the most I’ve run since getting back at it 2 weeks ago.
I have even thought of not going.
I’m hoping to get over most of these fears eventually. I really hope doing this half marathon next month will help with that. Because I just want to finish it. I don’t care if I’m slow or fast or dead last. I just gotta finish. And I suppose that in order to do that, I need to just keep running. So I will. I might not love it every time but I must keep running.
Because not running is just… not an option.